Kia Hamsters Need to be euthanized

Commercial #1 with CB commentary:

Kia presents to us a fine example of an advertising campaign being carried on for far too long.  This usually happens when the initial commercial is somewhat successful, resulting in the advertisers making spin-off commercials until one can hardly even remember that the original was actually pretty good.  (See also: the Geico cavemen)

The original Kia Soul commercial featured streets and garages filled with hamsters on wheels, and then these hamsters driving a Kia Soul come weaving through them.  I get that; other cars will make you feel like a hamster on a wheel—going nowhere—but the Kia Soul will liberate you.  It’s fairly creative; not great, but I smell what you’re cookin.

Then, they came out with this dreck:

Apparently, hamsters are urban and black.  (Is that common knowledge? I didn’t know that.)  So they’re rapping and driving around, and start in with the chorus of Black Sheep’s “The Choice is Yours”:

“You can get with this or you can get with that.”

What is the “that” these thugnificent hamsters are referring to?  Two hamsters in a toaster? Or were they referencing the hamster in a cardboard box? The hamster in a washing machine?

I get the first commercial: hamsters on exercise wheels.  Hamsters use exercise wheels.  They are commonly seen on them.  In what sick Charles Manson home are hamsters seen in toasters and washing machines? I thought I was going to see a car commercial and instead I got “1000 Ways to Die: hamster edition.”

After viewing this commercial, I must admit, the advertisers made me want to buy products featured in their advertisement. Unfortunately for them, it’s not a Kia Soul. No, I’ll keep my current vehicle, and purchase a toaster and a washing machine.  Toasters provide warm, crunchy bread and the washing machine makes my clothes smell like a summer meadow. Call me when you make a car that can do that, Kia.

Commercial #2 with MR commentary:

This commercial is ridiculous.

It starts off with a huge battle, fully equipped with giant robots, space ships, laser beams and explosions. I don’t know whether it’s an advertisement for a movie or a video game, but it’s actually pretty cool, and I’m definitely interested in learning more about whatever the hell it is.

Then I catch a glimpse of something green flash by in the background. Wha? Is that a Kia Soul? I hope this isn’t another hamster commercial…

And then there they are, complete with their annoying little outfits. And Party Rock starts playing. And they start dancing.

At this point, I’m praying the robots and soliders will call a temporary truce, and start murdering the hamsters. But they don’t. They get caught up in the Party Rock spirit, and start dancing, too. Apparently, Party Rock will turn emotionless killer robots into dancing machines. Which is odd, considering it makes logical human beings that have good taste in music want to kill something. Such is life.

What I really hate about this entire advertising campaign is that the actual car, the Kia Soul, isn’t a bad little car. It’s affordable, get’s great gas mileage, and ok, fuck, I actually have one and I really like it. I like it enough that I bought it in spite of these shitty hamster commercials. But believe me, it was a difficult decision. You know a commercial is truly terrible when it almost makes you not buy something because of it.

You know what would be a far more marketable commercial for the Soul, Kia? Me, in mine, chasing down these hamsters and running them over. (Kia advertisers, hit me up. I’ll totally do it, I swear to any God you believe in.)

Fan Friday #4

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I’ve been incredibly busy boning every single last one of your mothers.

Our first submission comes to us from Chris Tortorice, who is not a fan of this Geico commercial that shamelessly plugs Helzberg diamonds:

You’re right, Chris. This commercial is definitely annoying. But I’m far less bothered by the product placement than I am by the fact that Geico is still using this little green gecko/asshole in their commercials.

Look, there’s no denying that the spelling of ‘gecko’ is fairly close to the spelling of ‘geico.’ It’s not the most astonishing observation ever, but I would have been fine if they had made one or two commercials pointing it out. But they didn’t. They based an entire fucking advertising campaign around it that has lasted multiple years. And that, my friends, is unforgivable.

That’s really the frustrating thing about the Geico advertisers. They’re capable of coming up with semi-decent ideas, but can’t seem to leave well enough alone, and beat the ideas to death. For example, take the Geico cavemen commercials. ‘It’s so simple, a caveman can do it!’ — Not the greatest slogan, but not terrible either. I could see squeezing a few commercials out of that. But Geico went fucking overboard, to the point where they actually tried to make an entire television show based around the cavemen. That’s insane. Luckily, the show fell through, but Geico is still making the commercials to this day. And they keep getting worse. Don’t believe me? Look for yourselves!

Gawd damn, I hate that one. Everything about it is dumb. They’re not even playing scrabble correctly!

Anyway, thanks for the submission, Chris. Always appreciate the input from page viewers.

 

 

Passat ad sucks more dick than Elton John

It confuses me how a commercial based entirely around a song as awesome as Rocket Man can be bad, but the fine advertisers over at VW managed to figure out a way to pull it off.

For starters, none of the lyrics in this song are hard to understand, especially not the line in question. “Burning out his fuse up here alone.” It’s clear as goddamn day. So right out of the gate, that’s an Insta-Fail.

Even if the line was difficult to understand (and again, it’s not), the things the people in the commercial think it is are infuriating.

• My hair is gone
• Burning up the room with cheap cologne
• Musty motor-home
• I told you it wasn’t provolone!

Of course it wasn’t provolone, you strawberry-headed fool!

Jesus-dicks, Elton John must be rolling over in his grave.

Tori’s Triple Threat

The next submissions come from our old friend, Tori, who would like us to take a look at the next few commercials.

Commercial #1:

Ok, this one actually cracked my shit up. Uncle Majic? Hysterical. I mean, don’t get me wrong. If I was a parent, there’s no way in hell I’d let him get anywhere near my kids, but as far as commercials go, this one was actually pretty funny.

 

Commercial #2:

Fuck this commercial, and fuck the advertisers that made it. ‘Poop there it is’ is one of the dumbest lines I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing.

 

Commercial #3:

Confession: I have always loved this commercial. It’s just so goddamn ridiculous. Schwarzenegger is a lunatic, and I love every second of it.

 

Thanks for the submissions, Tori!

Napa Know How (to make a shitty commercial)

Our next submission comes to us via The Twitter! Sweet_Jeeba writes:

I’m surprised the Napa know how commercial isn’t posted and reposted to your site daily.

For those of you who haven’t seen the commercial he is referencing (lucky bastards), you can watch it below (if you dare):

Sweet jesus, Sweet_Jeeba! You are absolutely right. This commercial deserves to be torn apart on a daily basis. Unfortunately, if I had to think about it every day, I’d probably kill something. Hopefully the dude singing. There’s definitely something wrong with him. Good lord, he’s disturbing.

Fan Friday #3

Our first submission for Fan Friday comes to us from mjbilinovich, who hates the freecreditreport.com commercials. MJB writes:

I’m pretty sure all musical freecreditreport.com commercials count as crimes against humanity according to the Geneva Convention.  You could have sat Pol Pot down and had him watch these commercials and he would say “Hey guys, this is a bit much.”  These commercials are what the military show to high value intelligence targets when they want to break them. In addition, one of the guitarists is playing a Gibson SG,which scientists note is the gayest body style a guitar can have ever.

Well put, MJB. I’m not sure which free credit report commercial you’re referencing, but that’s ok. They’re all bad. I especially hate this one:

Goddamn this dude is annoying. I’m glad his credit is bad.

Thanks for the submission, MJB! I’ve actually sat down a few times and tried to write a post about these shitty commercials myself, but always end up scrapping them because I can’t accurately convey how much I fucking despise them. Thanks to you, now I don’t have to! Huzzah!

Delusional Tequila Douche

Ok, what the hell is this guy talking about? Men used to drink real tequila and talk about sports? No they did not! Men used to drink tequila and beat the shit out of each other. (Well, I guess they still do that, too.)

What exactly makes 1800 any more real than Patron, or Cabo Wabo, or even fucking Cuervo for that matter? I’ve tried all of them, and they all get me real drunk, so I’m confused by this greasy-haired man’s claim. If there is a poser in this commercial, I believe it to be him. (And c’mon, look at this dude. He loves sitting around and talking about hair tinting. He fucking loves it. I’m on to you, grease-ball!)

Do you know what I talk about when I drink tequila? …no, seriously, do you? I have no idea, that shit makes me black out.

Berries and Creampuff

The good people at Starburst must have seen the Skittles commercials, and thought to themselves, “We’re a chewy fruit candy!  We can do weird, funny, quirky commercials just like them!”  Which is absolutely true, except for the fact the Skittles commercials are funny. (Remember that one where the guy feeds himself skittles with his beard?  Brilliant.)  Unfortunately for Starburst, this commercial is just weird and quirky in a way that is less funny, and way more annoying.

First, we start off with a couple guys hanging around a bus station chewing on some ‘burst.  Who hasn’t seen this scenario a million times?  Then, some douche, presumably on his way to a renaissance festival, overhears the two gentlemen.  This nancy-in-the-knickers is so overcome by the words “berries and cream” that he has to set down his bag and ask for clarification on what was said?

I really start hating the loser-in-the-lace-collar when he interrupts one of the guys while he’s trying to answer the sissy’s question.  Hearing “berries and cream” has brought tears of joy to this cream puff’s eyes.  He gives a look like he is going to defecate right there on the sidewalk.

What happens next is uncomfortable for both the other men in the commercial and for me at home.  The guy with a haircut like the little girl in Matilda begins to dance around while chanting, “Berries and cream.  I’m a little lad who loves berries and cream.”

Listen up, milksop, you are not a little lad.  You are 35 years old, live with your parents who ignore your “weekend hobby,” and have never touched a boob.  I imagine this man has reverted back to a child-like state after his uncle forced him to make home movies in the basement while dressed up as a colonial boy, and “berries and cream” was some sort of code word.

If I was the quiet guy on the bench, I would have stood up and drop kicked this pantywaist right in the chest. What’s that, Starburst advertisers? That wasn’t in the commercial’s script? It is now. *Drops microphone and walks off stage*

Happy birthday, Faga!

This next post was written by my dear friend, Mr. Andrew Faga, who is celebrating a birthday today. Enjoy!

This is the 12 days of Christmas Ebay commercial where this ungrateful bitch whines about not getting the stuff she wants for Christmas from her loving relatives.  NewsFlash!  None of us ever get what we really want for Christmas from our relatives.  Deal with it!  She needs to shut the fuck up and prepare for the inevitable beating she will receive in lieu of the acid wash jeans and needlepoint throw pillows.

Well put, Faga. And as annoying as the spoiled, singing brat is, how awesome would it have been if the older gentleman standing next to her had slammed her head into the piano at the end? Then, and only then, could the advertisers for Ebay have been forgiven for including this jezebel.

Monday Morning Respite

Monday mornings already suck enough as it is without being reminded of shitty commercials that you hate. With that in mind, I have decided to use these times to share some commercials that I actually find pretty awesome and enjoyable. Which is probably weird, since the name of the site is Commercially Inept, but fuck it.

The entire Allstate Mayhem campaign is awesome. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a commercial in it that I haven’t liked. The main dude they got to play Mayhem kills it, which I find a little confusing, mostly because the only thing I’ve seen him in besides these commercials was 30 Rock, and I didn’t especially care for his character in that. But hey, props to him for knocking these out of the park.

This commercial is probably my favorite out of them all. It’s so fucking ridiculous/bizarre/twisted and I love every second of it. This man can channel a raccoon like a goddamn champ.

God bless you, Allstate. Not only have you managed to create an advertising campaign that isn’t an absolute piece of shit, you’ve also managed to keep me sane during this most difficult time of the week. I applaud your efforts, and wish more advertisers would pull their heads out of their ass and follow your cue.